Mad Merlin
by ExcaliburMaiden
Summary: Merlin had grown distant since Gaius s death. Every now and then, he would mysteriously disappear without notice. Then he would return, giving no inkling to his whereabouts. Consumed by whatever dream or memory that haunted him.
1. Chapter 1

Mad Merlin

By Roguefan212000

I do not own Merlin.

_Author's notes-_This is just a random idea, I came up with. I don't know where this will go. Please read and review! Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

_Part One_

Merlin had grown distant since Gaius `s death. Every now and then, he would mysteriously disappear without notice. Then he would return, giving no inkling to his whereabouts. He was often lost in thought, dwelling far too much in the past. Sometimes he forgot important events in the present. Consumed by whatever dream or memory that haunted him. The oddity of his behavior greatly disturbed Queen Guinevere. He seemed to be getting worse over time. It was these very concerns, which lead the young queen to knock on the court sorcerer's chamber door. She didn't receive an answer. Gwen lightly bit at her bottom lip. A habit she always exhibited, when worried or upset. It was mid -day, Merlin normally didn't linger in his chambers for so long. Perhaps, he was ill. She heard a crashing noise behind the door.

"Merlin," Gwen cried. Fear making her voice sound shrill. She yanked on the door's handle, finding the door unlocked. She rushed inside his chambers. Feeling only partially relieved, when she looked at him. Merlin's blue eyes were red rimmed. Stubble shadowed his once clean shaven face. His raven hair was tangled and stuck out in every direction. Without his robe, she could plainly see how his tunic and trousers sagged on his thin frame. Merlin had grown thinner. He muttered to himself as he crawled on his hands and knees, searching for something. His chambers looked as though a wind storm had swept through it. Everything Merlin owned must be on the floor. The warlock picked through the mess, sighing in frustration. Cleary unable to find whatever it was he was searching for. Affection, worry and sympathy filled her heart as she watched her old friend. Gwen sat down beside him, not caring if her lacy lavender dress was soiled by the dirty floor. Gwen reached out, pulling Merlin into a hug. He flinched at first, so lost in thought he hadn't noticed her presence. Eventually, he relaxed in her arms. Gwen's brows furrowed in worry. Her best friend looked so weary and broken.

"What can I do to help you, Merlin?" Gwen asked softly.

"I don't think you can," he answered honestly. He wasn't simply referring to whatever he had lost, but to something on a much larger scale. Even after Merlin had confessed to being a warlock, Gwen was certain she and Arthur only knew half of his secrets. Gwen doubted she would ever know everything. She reminded him of all the times, he had been there for her. What kind of friend would she be, if she didn't do the same?

"Let me try", Gwen offered.

_Flash back-_

_At times, Queen Guinevere would forget herself. A wine filled goblet spilled during the banquet; she rushed to clean up the mess. Then she would see the critical stares of the noble women. She heard the ladies whisper behind their hands. They called her uneducated and ill mannered in the ways of a gentle woman, and as a lady of the court. "What could you expect?" one woman whispered. "She was a black smith's daughter after all." _

"_Just think of her unseemly relations with the warlock," said another woman. "Why does the king allow it?" Gwen put on a brave face, pretending not to hear them. King Arthur was away, busy with political matters in another kingdom. Gwen was glad, Merlin stayed behind. Queen Guinevere became the esteemed hostess to her guests, who were noble by birth, but not in spirit. Merlin had told her this. She shouldn't let their petty behavior get her down. Gwen was grateful, when the banquet ended. Gwen and Merlin stood alone in the empty banquet hall._

"_I'm just a former maid wearing a nice dress," Gwen said with a sigh. Merlin lifted her chin, making her look at him. _

"_No," Merlin replied sincerely. "You're the queen, who has a good heart and is worthy of Camelot's throne. A queen should always look her subjects in the eyes. She should never look down." Her mood lifted upon seeing Merlin's bright smile. _

Gwen asked Merlin, what he was looking for. He told her, he was searching for a rose. Gwen glanced at her friend, but she did not comment. The rose was clearly very important to him. This was all that mattered. She settled beside Merlin, helping him look through piles of his belongings. Gwen searched through books, blankets and other various items scattered on the floor. She stood up then walked toward Merlin's wardrobe. She opened the door, seeing a large crack in the right bottom corner of the wardrobe's back. A spot of red shone through the crack.

"I see something," Gwen cried. Merlin rushed to her side. He reached behind the wardrobe, unable to grasp his rose. Gwen knelt beside the wardrobe reaching underneath, but she was unable to grasp the rose. He glanced at Gwen.

"Better stand aside," he said. Gwen eyed him curiously as she backed away from the wardrobe. Merlin's blue eyes turned gold. His wardrobe moved away from the wall.

"Well, that's handy," Gwen said with a smile.

"I know," Merlin answered, his mood brightening a bit. He picked up his rose. It was a small blossom with merely a stub for a stem.

"This rose belonged to my Freya," he explained. "She wanted strawberries, but my magic created a rose." Gwen stared at the little flower in wonder. Merlin's magic created a rose that would never die. Gwen did not press him with questions about Freya. She waited for him, to open up on his own. The two friends sat on the bed ignoring the mess around them. Merlin gazed at the rose as if it were the most precious thing in the world. For him, it was. Gwen listened quietly as Merlin told her the story of his Freya. She could tell by the way, Merlin said the girl's name that he was still very much in love. Gwen placed a comforting hand on his arm as he spoke. Her gaze was sympathetic. Merlin did not shed any tears. He had already spent many sleepless nights shedding tears for her. He looked sad, weary and distant as he recalled the events that took place four years ago. Every word was truthful, save one. Merlin told Gwen a knight mortally wounded Freya in the Bastet form. Gwen lightly dabbed at her eyes with her sleeve.

"I'm so sorry, Merlin," Gwen said sadly. "You had to go through all of this alone."

"Don't be," he replied softly. "There wasn't anything anyone could do to save her." They heard a hand maid's voice echoing in the hallway. The hand maid was calling for Gwen. Gwen slid off the bed and stood in front of him.

"I should be going now", she said. "Will you be alright?" Merlin nodded. Gwen reluctantly turned to leave.

"Gwen," he called out before she left his chambers. "Thank you," he said while holding up Freya`s rose.

"You're welcome," Gwen answered with a light smile. She glanced over her shoulder, briefly surveying Merlin's messy chambers.

"You might want to pick up a bit," she said forcing cheer into her voice. "Perhaps, you'd like Arthur to explain to you the uses of wardrobes and cupboards again." Merlin offered a slight smile. Gwen made a mental note to have someone check on him later. Although he had a servant like Gwen, he did things on his own out of habit. Merlin was very fond of his servant. Radek was a good natured chubby twelve year old boy, who had magic like him. Merlin treated him like a younger brother. He would rather have Radek accompany him, when he treated patients then let him wander about his chambers picking up after him. Besides his eyes would flicker gold then his chambers would be clean almost instantly. Young Radek had become his unofficial apprentice. Merlin would teach the boy a spell or two, whenever he had the time. Radek idolized Merlin. Merlin ran his fingers over the soft rose petals. Pondering how Freya`s rose could have gotten behind his wardrobe. Then he remembered teaching Radek a disappearing spell. The boy still had trouble controlling where the items reappeared. They would have to work on that.


	2. Chapter 2

Mad Merlin

By Roguefan212000

I don't own Merlin.

_Author's notes_- Thanks for reviewing.

_Part Two _

Merlin had disappeared again. He returned dripping wet in the morning. It had rained heavily during the chilly autumn night and all throughout the early morn. Merlin's eyes were glazed due to a fever. He was a mess. Coughing and sneezing wherever he went. Arthur ordered Merlin to remain in his chambers. Merlin obeyed, but only because he was too sick to argue. In the state room, Arthur glanced over the parchment in his hand. His blue eyes rested on an empty chair. Merlin's chair. It was known to everyone who sat at the round table that Gwen was always seated at Arthur's left while Merlin remained at the right. Arthur found himself only partially invested in the meeting. His thoughts drifted toward a certain big eared dollop head that wasn't there. Arthur noticed his wife's anxiousness after the meeting ended. Gwen wrung her hands and bit her bottom lip. These were clear signs that she was fretting over something. Arthur knew their worries were the same.

The state room doors opened allowing the occupants to disperse. Gwen rushed down a corridor. Arthur quickened his pace to catch his wife before she rounded the corner. He grasped her forearm, startling her. Gwen was so focused on her desired destination that she hadn't noticed him. She whirled around to face him. The same worry in her brown eyes reflected in his blue ones. Arthur cupped her pretty face in his hands. Gwen confessed her fears about Merlin's habit of disappearing and his over all state. Arthur promised to interrogate Merlin once he felt better. Although Arthur was not as vocal about his concerns, he was just as worried as Gwen. Arthur kissed his wife before heading to the training grounds to meet his young knights. Promising to meet her in Merlin's chambers later. Gwen met up with Radek. The two walked to Merlin's chambers together.

Gwen entered Merlin's chambers followed by Radek. She brought a pitcher of water. Radek carried towels and medicine. The young queen sat on the bed beside Merlin's limp pale form. Radek stood beside her. Gwen poured water into the basin sitting on a table by Merlin's bedside. Radek offered her a towel. She dipped a towel in the water filled basin. Rolled it up then placed the towel against Merlin's sweaty forehead. Gwen saw a familiar golden flicker beneath his fluttering lashes. Her brows furrowed in confusion .Radek shouted. He stumbled forward nearly landing on Merlin. She looked up to see books, satchels and other items floating around them. At one point this would have frightened her, but now it was more bothersome than terrifying. She ducked her head as a heavy looking spell book soared toward her. "Radek, can't you do something about this?" she asked, some irritation lacing her words.

"I'll try, your Highness,"he replied uncertainly. Radek`s brown eyes turned gold. He raised his hands toward the floating objects surrounding them. Radek whispered a spell. The swirling objects lowered momentarily, but rise to the air again, one by one.

"Master Merlin's magic is too strong," he answered solemnly. Even in his feverish state, Merlin was still incredibly powerful. He knew the chances of countering Merlin's magic were slim to none, but he tried for his queen. No one understood the full depth of Merlin's power. His magic was spiraling out of control due to his illness. Today harmless things like books may soar through the air, but what about tomorrow? Gwen held Merlin's hand as he slept. Radek sat next to her on the bed. He watched his master worriedly. Arthur entered Merlin's chambers dressed in armor. He had left the training grounds early.

"What's all this?" Arthur exclaimed while gesturing toward Merlin's floating belongings. Before Gwen or Radek could explain, a large flying book nearly collided with Arthur's head.

"Merlin", Arthur shouted as he dodged the book.

"He can't help it, Arthur," Gwen cried, never letting go of Merlin's hand. Radek nodded in agreement. Arthur's annoyance melted away when he looked at his friend.

"How is he?" Arthur asked.

"His fever still hasn't broken," Gwen said sadly. Arthur stood beside his wife placing a comforting arm around her.

"Is there anything more to be done?" he asked, glancing at the basin and empty medicine bottle.

"I'll gather more herbs for his medicine, Sire," Radek offered.

"Thank you, Radek," said Arthur, reaching out to tousle the boy's hair.

"You've been a great help," Gwen said with a smile. Radek did his best to mix the herbal ingredients together the way Merlin had taught him. He returned with a bowl full of frothy liquid. Gwen propped up Merlin's head while Radek tipped the bowl to Merlin's dry lips. Arthur watched silently by the bedside. There would be no more disappearing, Arthur promised himself, even if he had to drag Merlin back inside the castle. It appears his friend replaced the tavern with a new favored place. Arthur was determined to get to the bottom of this. The bumpkin better hurry up and recover. Once the bowl was emptied, Merlin was left to a restless sleep. Knowing there was nothing left to be done. Gwen, Arthur and Radek exited Merlin's chambers.

Later Merlin awakened in the night to hear a female voice calling his name. His mind was addled by a restless sleep, he sat up wearily. He instantly regretted the sudden movement as a wave of dizziness washed over him. Merlin's eyes strained to see a figure in the darkness of his chambers. The figure stepped out of a corner to stand by his bed. The sole window in his chambers supplied a small stream of moon light revealing the figure lingering by his bedside.

"Freya," Merlin cried hoarsely. She was clothed in Morgana`s purple dress. Freya`s dark hair flowed freely beside her slim waist. Her brown eyes shone with merriment as she smiled. The sight of his beloved Freya framed in moon light left him breathless with want. Feeling faint Merlin clutched his bed sides. Amidst his confusion, the strongest emotions he felt were love and longing. The rationality residing in him was abandoned by his desire for Freya. Merlin wanted her to be real. He needed her to be real.

"Is it really you?" Merlin asked while wiping away his tears. Freya did not answer. She only offered him a teasing smile. Merlin reached out to Freya, but his fingers went through her. He cried out in anguish as she vanished leaving him alone in the dark. Merlin lay awake staring at the spot where Freya had appeared.

Thanks to Gwen and Radek , Merlin was restored back to health. However, he was still plagued by the voices and imagery that he thought were brought on by a fever. Sometimes he heard Will's voice whispering painful accusations. Other times it was Gaius, Lancelot or Balinor. Merlin's heart ached upon seeing his beautiful Freya gaze at him hatefully. She blamed him for letting her die. Merlin curled up in bed lying in a fetal position. He cupped his hands over his ears trying to shut out the voices. Tears fell from Merlin's eyes wetting his pillows.

"I'm sorry", he whispered brokenly, over and over again. This was how he looked when Arthur and Gwen found him in his chambers. Meanwhile- the Lake of Avalon churned. Small waves crashed against the shore. Displaying all the turmoil, Merlin felt inside.


	3. Chapter 3

Mad Merlin

By Roguefan212000

I don't own Merlin.

_Author's notes_- Thanks for reviewing.

_Part Three _

A certain witch known as Morgana le fey dwelled on the Isle of the Blessed. She made a home for herself amongst the island's ruins. Morgana leaned over a water filled cauldron sitting in the center of her humble dwelling. Her hands hovered above the water. For so long, Merlin had magically blocked Camelot from her view. The magic cauldron had been her window to the world. Try as she might, Morgana was unable to lift whatever spell he had cast. Even her visions were clouded, thanks to the devious snake- Merlin. But now, Morgana sensed a shift or change in the air that drew her toward the cauldron. She eyed the water curiously before chanting a spell. A clear image of Camelot's castle spread out across the water. Morgana was perplexed, but also excited. She had finally broken through Merlin's spell. Her finger tips caressed the water stirring a new image. She saw King Arthur sitting beside his queen in the throne room. The young witch watched and listened closely.

_Rumors about Camelot's court sorcerer seeped through the castle's stone walls. Becoming popular gossip amongst the lower town's folk. The gossip journeyed further reaching the country side then spread onward like a plague. Mad Merlin was what the people called him behind their hands as they whispered to one another. Whenever Merlin was mentioned, King Arthur's gentle blue eyes would become hard. His lips formed a tight line. He hated this feeling of helplessness. Knowing there wasn't anything he could do to help his friend. He held Gwen's hand interlacing their fingers. Queen Guinevere's brown eyes glistened with tears. The council wanted a new court sorcerer. Finding a replacement was in everyone's best interest. No matter how much it hurt the young sovereigns, they would have to find a replacement. _

_**Else where**_- In the morning, Merlin slipped away from the castle while Arthur and Gwen were in a council meeting. The voices came to him more frequently now. He was no longer certain of what was real. Sometimes Freya was angry when she whispered to him in the night. Other times she was merrily calling out to Merlin and telling him to come to her lake. Today Freya was happy. Her sweet laughter echoed in his ears as he rushed through the forest. Merlin didn't want to keep her waiting. He smiled as the sunlit lake came into view. Merlin knelt on the shore. Then he stirred the water with his fingers. He called out to Freya, but she didn't rise to the surface. Merlin took off his boots then waded through the water. He plunged into the cool clear water. Hoping for a glimpse of his once lover. Merlin searched the watery depths till his throat burned. He swam upward to the surface, crying her name in frustration. Despondent he walked back to the shore shivering as he went. Merlin huddled on the shore. He had thought she was pleased with him. Not so long ago, he heard her laughter and excited whispers. Why did she hide from him?

_**Mean while**_- In the watery depths of the lake, magic stirred releasing Freya . Her first thought was of Merlin. She had heard his cries. The anguish in his voice made her heart ache. If only she could see his face for a moment. Water spirits spoke to her as she swam. Freya`s love for Merlin driving her closer to the surface.

"Sister," the spirits spoke in unison. "Camelot needs you once again. An old enemy shall return and Emrys will need your help."

"Sisters, what can I do?" Freya asked in bewilderment. "I can not leave the lake." Freya had already given her lover Excalibur. She didn't know what else could be done.

"We shall make it so," they answered. "For a time, you will rejoin Emrys in the mortal world." A thrill shot through her. She could be with Merlin again! Freya swore to her sisters that she would do whatever it took to save Camelot. The water spirits gathered around Freya. Her kin covered her in their magic. "He will not be as you once knew him", they warned.

"What do you mean"? Freya asked worriedly. She was swept away by their magic before receiving any answer. Freya rose to the surface gasping. She rejoiced in the feeling of being alive. She swiftly reached the shore. Her destiny was momentarily forgotten when she saw Merlin. Oh how she missed him! He sat hunched over on the shore. His back faced her.

"Merlin," Freya cried, spreading her arms out to him. Tears formed in her brown eyes. He turned around. The haunted empty look in his eyes frightened her. She noticed he had grown thinner. He looked so weary and haggard. Freya wondered what the world had done to him. This could not be her Merlin. Yet it was him. He stood up. Fearful uncertainty marked his gentle features. Would she vanish like the last time?

"I thought you were angry with me," he said. "I was afraid you wouldn't come." Her brows furrowed in confusion. Freya`s mind was a tangle of questions. The more her lover spoke, the more disturbed she became. Although Merlin stood right in front of her, he was truly further from her reach than ever before. Freya struggled to hold back the sob rising in her throat. How could her sisters do this to them? Why had they sent her now when he had already lost himself to grief? This was the price of being a slave to one's destiny. As a servant of the lake, Freya was only shown or told what her sisters allowed. So her sisters sent her to do what her lover could not. Anger and sadness nearly over came her, Freya fought to regain her composure. It wouldn't do for Merlin to see her fall apart when he was so broken already.

"I'm here now", Freya answered sadly. "From now on, I'm going to look after you."

Freya did what she had meant to do from the start. She reached out pulling Merlin into her arms. He leaned back to look at her then pressed her hand against his cheek. Her hand was soft and warm. His lovely sea blue eyes glistened with tears. "My Freya," he whispered. Freya wept as he cupped her face in his hands. Her skin against his reminded him that she was real. Merlin asked her not to leave him. Freya promised she never would. Even if the way she remained part of his life was not how they each desperately wanted.

_**Back on the Isle of the Blessed**_ -A twisted smile graced Morgana`s lips. Her time had come. _No need to worry, Arthur_, she thought. _You will have a new court sorcerer very soon._ Merlin- Arthur's beloved pet had finally fallen. She grasps a small vial filled with a purple liquid from a shelf near the doorway. Merlin was not the only one to conquer the power of transformation. She tipped the vial to her lips swallowing the tasteless potion. The pale dark haired beauty was replaced by an unremarkable dull eyed blonde. This look would suit her very well. Morgana had chosen a face that could easily be forgotten. No one would glance twice if they saw her amidst the crowded city of Camelot. Morgana would end the unworthy king's life in the worst way possible. His weak sniveling dog Merlin would watch helplessly. Then she would hang Gwen the hussy, whom the people dared to call queen with the linen, she used to sew. As for Merlin, Morgana had something very special in mind for him. She smiled darkly. They would suffer just as she had suffered. All would be well, once she took her place upon the throne.


End file.
